Behold! My Meme!

My good buddy Michael Brownlee has tagged me to continue a meme that he, in turn, got from Don Hall. It's like some sort of literary STD that we're all passing around and frankly, I love it. So, I will furiously beat my chest, sound my barbaric yawp and then spooge out an invite to seven other "lucky" bloggers.

I am required to reprint the following text and then comply with it's instructions.
Observe!

"Bloggers must post these rules and provide eight random facts about themselves. In the post, the tagged blogger tags eight other bloggers and notifies them that they've been tagged."

Gaze With Wonderment at Eight Things That You Previously Did Not Know About (THE CHILDHOOD VERSION OF) Me!

ITEM #1: In middle school, I collected up the tiny squeeze tubes of camoflage face paint that came with G.I.Joe figures and would paint my face up, dress in military camo, sneak out of my basement bedroom and "run missions" with the other kids in our neighborhood. The missions would consist of climbing to the roof of the local McDonalds and watching cars drive by on the street. It felt much, much more dangerous than it actually was.

ITEM #2: At the age of 5 or 6, I wandered away from my mom at the Kentucky State Fair. She was in a panic, looking for me, when she heard my voice coming from the mainstage where a country music band was performing the theme to "The Dukes of Hazzard" (a show that I loved). I'd wandered through the crowd, and climbed up to the stage to sing. The lead singer put his cowboy hat on me and sang the chorus parts with me. After the song, the audience applauded me (or so I've been told) and my mom took me back and kept a much, much tighter watch over me.

ITEM #3: I got a gig as a wee, little boy, as the "basketball boy" for the University of Louisville, through my mom's contacts with the local Jaycees. The idea was, the "basketball boy" sat ON THE COURT during a UofL game and when they warmed up before the game, would send the extra balls out to them and then collect them up afterwards and store them at the side of the court. In exchange for this little bit of work, I got to sit on the floor of the court during the actual game and wear a UofL sweatshirt, WHICH I GOT TO KEEP!
I did my job at the beginning of the game and then took my seat at the side of the court. I waved at my mom and granddad in the stands and then sat back down. And got terribly terribly bored. I was not then, and am not now, particularly interested in sports.
Instead of watching the game, I pursued another goal. Behind me was the group of newspaper photographers who took pictures for the paper. I spent he rest of the game, slowly repositioning myself on the sidelines to be between the photographers and the action of the game, sliding back and forth on the sidelines. I thought, "I am going to be in the paper!"
Years later, I realized that I must've ruined nearly every shot those guys got, with my tireless mugging.

ITEM #4:
I was a Boy Scout. But not a particularly good one. I never got higher than 2nd Class. One rank above Tenderfoot. And I got promoted because I'd been a Tenderfoot for way, way too long.
But I did love camping and visiting strange new places (my first trip to Chicago was with the BSA). I loved competing in the contests and cooking and setting up camp and exploring.
I just wasn't that big into collecting badges.

ITEM #5:
Somewhere at my dads house, there's a picture of me taken in 1983. When I was eight. Looking as cool as I possibly could, in my parachute pants and multiple headbands. I am wearing a sleevless t-shirt. And have headbands on my head, both wrists, my bicep and one of my knees. I am looking as cool as I possibly can, leaning back on a record player console and a wicker chair.
My fly is also down and you can clearly see that I wearing bright red, "The Flash" style underoos in the picture.
It's one of the most popular pics to pass around on holidays.

ITEM #5:
Once, in the throes of wild, uncontrollable puberty, I masturbated in the bathroom of a funeral parlor. Afterwards, I walked around openly weeping because I was sure that it must've been a mortal sin and that I was going to Hell for it. My family thought I was sad because some long, lost, distant grand-aunt had died. They hugged me and openly consoled me in my grief. Which made it worse, because I couldn't tell them why I was really crying.

ITEM #6:
I blamed it on a neighborhood kid, but it was really me who loaded up my great-grandmothers flowerbox with firecrackers and blew them all to Hell. I wanted to see if they would fly up into the air when they blew up (like in cartoons). They actually did just that.
But when the destruction made my great-grandmother hoppin' ass mad, I blamed it on a neighborhood kid. She never let that kid come back over, ever again, after that. I never told her the truth. I didn't want to be banished from the house.

ITEM #7:
For one whole summer, I was a notorious toy shoplifter from the Target near my grandmothers house. I probably got away with nearly $100 in GIJoes, in the summer of 1989. (I know it was 89, because we stole Batman:The Movie toys too.) I learned how to do it, from a buddy, David, who said that he'd been doing it for years.
Eventually, we were caught by the store detectives, who chased us out of the store, on foot. We ran through the parking lot, being chased by a guy in a station wagon, with ORANGE and GREEN police lights on his car. (Orange and Green? Seriously?)
I got cornered behind a dumpster and dumped the loot before I got dragged over to the station wagon. The security guard didn't even bother to get out of the station wagon. He threatened to send me to jail if I ever set foot in that Target, again. Then, he let me go.
And so, I didn't go back to that Target for nearly two years. When my dad went shopping there, I would stay and bake out in the hot car, waiting for him. He never knew why.

ITEM #8:
For nearly a year, in high school, I was convinced that I was going to grow up to be a youth minister. Right up until I discovered that there was no God. My two best friends both grew up and are both currently employed in the administration of their local churchs.

Now, I Will Demand Corresponding Memes from the following bloggers:
Crescent, Margaret, Matt, Ted, Sammy, Louie, Jeff and Elizabeth!
Look for your notifying emails soon!

This concludes my Meme!
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